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depression is an ocean, and it’s prone to tides and swells.

Posted in Living, Mental Health by

there is a photo of me that i really love. my makeup looks perfectly done (except the smudges in the lipstick where i went just outside the lines of my lips) and my hair is styled just-so, the hairspray and weight from dry shampoo and sea salt spray and volumizing root pump amplifying it. i wear a knowing smile and my favorite necklace, and it’s my facebook picture right now since i feel pretty in it and people seem to like it, as indicated by number of “friends” who have clicked that little thumbs up button. my hair is sufficiently blonde and my nose ring is front and center, just the way i like it.

it’s so funny that even though I choose this image to represent who i am and how i feel, there are things about it and things I remember about the day it was taken so clearly that no one could even begin to see at this first glance.

it was the first pretty weather day, so after i signed off of work for the day, i did my makeup and hair, thinking that i would drive in to town, uber around for awhile, and meet up with some friends for some drinking on a patio. (I vividly remember sending these texts. “COME DRINK WITH ME ON A PATIO! I WANT NACHOS AND MARGS!”) i had a selfie photoshoot in the landing area outside my bedroom door, uploaded my favorite to Facebook (i knew it was a great picture, so I posted it to get a reaction from one person in particular), and headed out. no one could join me, so I had nachos alone as the sun went down and the chill set in on the patio of one of my favorite Nashville restaurants.

depression is an ocean

then, as soon as i got back in my car, something snapped in my brain. why had I just had dinner alone? i felt so pretty and confident – why wasn’t i enough for my ex, or some new boy, or anyone? all of the things that run through your mind when you’re depressed, no matter how good you know you have it. this is how depression and anxiety work: they take things that you love and turn you into someone you can’t even recognize.

I spent the entirety of the next four hours driving around Nashville and bawling my eyes out. i didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew going home wasn’t it. I tried to go shopping for an office chair, but I couldn’t even get out of the car. i tried to take myself for some treat yo self frozen yogurt, but the place my GPS took me to had recently closed.

i finally took myself home that night, exhausted from the frustration and the tears, and slept hard. I just think it’s important to say that even when things look pretty on the outside, depression and anxiety are hard, and it’s impossible to tell where they are hiding.

August 17, 2015
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siestas & sunsets

Posted in Travel by

I’m trying very hard not to be that insufferable person posting all of their vacation photos as it happens, but I couldn’t resist a few. Here’s a Siesta Key sunset appreciation post.

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June 23, 2015
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may recap & june goals

Posted in Living by

May was such a great month full of family time with a quick trip back to Michigan with NP and the kids, then I rode back down to Nashville with mom for a great staycation and girls getaway to the Smokies. I miss her so much, and I’m pretty sure that my co-workers like her more than me based on the number of people who asked for a week after she left if she was joining me for my shift that evening, and who continue to ask how she is doing!

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After she left, I got to have a quick reunion with a lot of my college buds. Even though many of them live in the same city, it’s hard for us to carve out time to see each other, so it’s nice when we’re all able to come together at conferences.

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I got to see one of my bucket list artists, Butch Walker, in my favorite venue here – and even followed that up with a secret show the following day at a radio station here in town where I was able to meet him (and fell all over myself trying to speak because words are hard.)

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Then on Memorial Day, my friends and I miraculously had the same full day off, so we planned a great pool party! Unfortunately mother nature had other plans and it rained on our parade, but we still made the best with an indoor potluck… and then the power went out too. Luckily my friends are all megatalented musicians and we were armed and ready with a deck of Cards Against Humanity, so we still had a great day.

  • Work out 4x/week Yep! The DeskCycle has been a gamechanger for me here.
  • Track all meals and eat at home 80% of the time I definitely didn’t track all of my meals, but I do think I ate at home 80% of the time. I’m really focusing on cutting wayyyyy back on eating out now that I’m home more.
  • Pay off $1000 to debt check
  • Find somewhere new to live I came down to the wire on this, but I put down a deposit on a new place here in Nashville. 
  • Track and analyze spending

June sees another month full of travel and preparation to relocate once more. I’m still not totally sure where I’m heading, but I’m hoping I can at least prepare somewhat and have a plan come July 31 when the lease is up!

  • Get rid of 30 bags of “stuff” before the move
  • Have seasonal and non-nessecities ready to move
  • Find and book a moving company or U-Haul
  • Return all impulse purchases
  • Stay on my Boston trip budget
  • Pay $800 to student loans
  • Renew passport
  • Sell my old car
  • Find a new desk
  • Post three times per week
  • Sign up for a half marathon and start training with three runs per week

What are your focus goals for June?

June 1, 2015
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april recap / may goals

Posted in Living by

April was filled with lots of work and travel again, just the way I like it! I should really start tracking (you know I love data and lists and tracking) all the shows I work in a month. Because it’s now not uncommon for me to see 5-6 shows per week at work, I take it for granted since I’m not always attending them as a fan, but I still get to see nearly every show that comes through. (#humblebrag? I don’t mean it to be!) Things are moving so quickly lately that I can hardly believe that it’s already May! But first, a look at last month:

One of the first shows this month was by an 80’s hair metal idol, so I did my best to put on a “goth” face and try to fit in with the crowd. I wore more leather on this day than I have throughout the entirety of the rest of my life.

On Record Store Day, I was able to nab one of the limited copies of my favorite records!

Toward the end of the month, I got a hair cut and went to see Ryan Adams at the Ryman. He is one of the greats.

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Then, I ended the month with my family back home in Michigan with my parents, cousins, grandparents, nieces and nephews, and aunt and uncle. I love getting to jump in the car and visit and get to see them as much as possible (even when that car ride is two hours longer than it should be!) I also got to celebrate a friend’s birthday and eat all the foods (and drink all the drinks) from my college days.

MAY GOALS

  • Work out 4x/week
  • Track all meals and eat at home 80% of the time
  • Pay off $1000 to debt
  • Find somewhere new to live
  • Track and analyze spending
  • Eat at home 80% of the time

May is another busy month – my mom is coming back to Nashville with me and staying for a couple of days (okay really over a week.) While I don’t have any other explicit travel plans this month, I’ll probably go away for memorial day, and I’m starting to really purge out things I don’t need or use before I think about the trauma of moving again this summer.

What are you looking forward to in May?

May 2, 2015
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Monday Morning You Sure Look Fine: Mac Attack Monday!

Posted in Music by

Living in Nashville and working at a venue, I’ve gotten to see a lot of my bucket list bands. Three nights of Jason Isbell: check. Chris Carrabba opening for my new favorite singer-songwriter in a 200-person room: check. I could go on and on about how lucky I am. But over the weekend I made kind of a last minute decision and headed back to my old venue in Charlottesville to see my ultimate bucket list band: Fleetwood Mac. I’ve never seen them and had resigned myself to accept that I wouldn’t ever see them – tickets are expensive, and I didn’t really want to see them without Christine. So I decided to try to catch them in the venue that really helped me grow up (and where I have such great memories of listening to Rumours during some pretty stressful things going on.) Plus getting to surprise my old staff, eat Bodo’s Bagels, and see my best friend didn’t hurt either, and I made an 8 hour drive on Saturday and was almost jumping out of my body with excitement.

Chrstine sounded amazing, and Stevie is of course a queen. Lindsey Buckingham is a god, I really had no idea just how good he would be. And watching Mick play drums – I just wish I had half the passion for something that he does for those drums. They sounded tight and played for about three hours. I danced, I cried, I sang my heart out, and posted way too many Snapchat videos.

I had such a great time at the show that I’m considering dropping coin to see Fleetwood Mac play in Nashville later this week. Now if only I can time travel to 1966 to catch the Beach Boys on the Pet Sounds tour to check another off the list…

Who is your bucket list band? Have you gotten to see them live?

March 16, 2015
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